The end of tax season didn’t bring any feeling of relief this year–actually somewhat the opposite effect. At least the heavy workload gave me something to focus on. After the deadline I was faced with the reality of trying to find my way through a new life. I was so confused all the time! I think I lost 20 lbs and 50 IQ points. I kept wishing someone would come and tell me what to do–which was a new and uncomfortable feeling for someone who prides himself on competence. I just felt so lost…
I tried to be gentle with myself and take as good a care as possible. I did a lot of jogging and hiking, went to ecstatic dances and the climbing gym. Saw a grief counselor. I even had a few days here and there that felt really joyful. But mostly it just felt like absolutely nothing was going to help, that the enormity of feelings were too much to even comprehend, and that a long road lay ahead of me that could only be endured and not mitigated.
We took a family trip to Hawai’i in May, which was where Rachael went to Kindergarten and had her first memories. I really wanted Josef get to see some of those places with his Aunts and Uncle. We ate lots of good poke bowls, took surf lessons, visited the botanical garden, and of course swam in the ocean. Uncle James and I also made a grueling hike up Mt. Ka’ala, the highest point on the island, to offer up some of her ashes to the winds.
A highlight of the Spring was when Josef and I took the train up to Seattle to see a hockey match and go to a museum. We stayed in a cool historic hotel and ate at an ancient dive bar diner, sidling up next to the regulars and getting lots of cheers with our root beers. It happened to be Mothers Day, and going out and having a fun adventure really helped to distract from what otherwise could have been a pretty painful day. This is good knowledge to have for the future–perhaps we will make a tradition out of such things…
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- Waikiki
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- Haleiwa
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- Mt. Ka’ala
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- 5th Grade Olympiad
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- Overnight Field Trip
